i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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