Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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