My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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