Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
