If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
