I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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