I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
40s are totally the cure
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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