If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
