I just pynch a tree in the face
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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