Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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