god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
