my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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