I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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