i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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