I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
