It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
