dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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