Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
