this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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