Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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