She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
