So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
