Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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