I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
