She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
