dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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