wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
