He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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