apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
