I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
