I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
