There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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