I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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