When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Randomize
