The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
