i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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