you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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