Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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