You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
