I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
