ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
