Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
