mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
