you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
