Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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