WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
