Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
