: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
