I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
