Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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